Five Guiding Principles
Five Guiding Principles for Raising Great Kids
By Sandra Chowanec
“Oh, Sandra, you did it again,” I said to myself while perusing the seemingly ineffective bottle of leave-in hair treatment that I was using to tame the frizz brought on by this “Indian Summer.” The product wasn’t the problem. Feeling that I had sufficient expertise in bottle squeezing, I simply put the glop in my hair after I had dried it. Week after week, I was stymied. Why did this product fail to accomplish its one designated task? As it turned out, the treatment should have been applied it to my hair while still wet. Funny thing about those directions; they only work if you follow them!
It made me think about first becoming a mom. Given the complexities of what I would be facing in caring and nurturing this 7lb 14 oz bundle of joy, an instruction manual should have come with the delivery. If hair treatments and cotton ball usage come with instructions, in the cosmic scheme of things, an instruction manual or an operator’s guide made specifically for my child’s current and future seems reasonable. Instead, your baby is handed off to you and, except for some well-meaning tidbits of advice from friends and family, you’re on your own. To make matters worse, we start piling up books and buying parenting magazines trying to absorb the accumulated wisdom of parenting experts. And instead of comfort, we find confusion. There is a plethora of different, often conflicting theories on parenting. It is overwhelming, to say the least.
I took some time to reflect on my years of teaching. In talking with parents, I’ve used the same five guiding, foundational principles to help them navigate through the precarious journey of parenthood. I decided it was time to share these basic principles with a wider audience. For those of you feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities of parenting children, especially in this day and age, I can tell you from my own experiences with new parents that these principles work. No doubt, you may have heard some of these principles before in one variation or another. In that case, I am hopeful they will serve as a gentle reminder. Maybe, while reading them, you will have your very own “ah – ha” moment after seeing the principle applied to a particular situation. So, let’s start with two preliminary matters. First, you are not alone. All parents struggle at various times. There are just those who prefer not to admit it, instead treating parental issues like some deep, dark secret. You are a wonderful parent, as good as they come, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Second, by following these five principles, you will be parenting against the grain of our current culture that favors indulgence and immediate satisfaction. Yes, parenting against the grain is difficult. But it’s the right thing to do.
Revisiting Five Basic Principles of Parenting
1. Less is more. Now, I know you have heard that saying before, but it really does hold true — and not just for chocolate cake! Over indulging children is a dangerous trap with long-term consequences. We are a consumer-driven economy bombarded by very smart marketing and advertising that sells us products we often don’t need. And all too often, our children are the victims of this media onslaught. It’s okay for your child to want. We all have wants. But it’s not okay to immediately satisfy each and every of your child’s wants. You can rest assured that every time there is a new electronic -thing on the market, they will tell you that it is indispensable to their existence and the older version, if they have one, is haplessly outdated. The child who gets everything he or she wants evolves into an adult burdened with some fanciful notion of entitlement, that life should give them everything they want simply because they want it. It is a distorted perception of reality that a child can do without. On the other hand, children that don’t get everything they want, whenever they want, learn the virtue of patience. It is easier for a child to learn patience when it is built into the structure of their natural environment then it is for an adult to learn patience. I’m sure you know a few impatient adults who are often quick-tempered and difficult to be around. You pattern life-long behaviors in your child that carry into adulthood. Be strong. Your child will benefit in the long run.
2. “No” is not a four-letter word. In fact, it’s a wonderful word. There is no easier, more concise way of setting limits. So don’t be afraid to say it. And when you say it, mean it. When dealing with your children, you are not a negotiator or a mediator. You are the parent! Your job is to make the tough day-to day-decisions. Those are right decisions, not the popular ones. Do not allow your child to turn your relationship into a constant negotiation. Generally, it only takes one or two situations before your child realizes that they can wear you down and break you IF YOU LET THEM. Don’t open the door to that tiresome behavior. If you already have opened that door, it may seem difficult to close at first, but give it time. Stick to your guns and before you know it, your child will understand that “no” really means “no.” So, use “no” a few times. Witness its power. “No” will soon become one of your best friends.
3. Things of value cannot be bought. What kind of person do you want your child to be? You probably think of traits like happy, healthy, joyful, loving, respectful, peaceful, good -natured, kind, generous, honest, dependable and trustworthy – you get the picture. This is stuff you can’t buy at Target or Walmart. If you teach children to value what is truly important instead of the worthless trinkets bought at a store, they will place value where value is due. If you are going to allow your child to have one foot planted in the fantasy world of television, movies and computers make sure that the other foot is anchored in reality. Give your child real role models to emulate. Not self-indulgent celebrities, but you and those around you. A grandparent who teaches children with special needs, an aunt who volunteers at the hospital, a cousin who collects gently worn clothes and bring them to homeless shelters and a neighbor who rescues stray animals. Find ways for your children to volunteer and experience the long-term satisfaction that comes from helping others. There are numerous opportunities and you won’t have to look very far.
4. Your Life is Not Your Own. Once you became a parent, you are thereafter relegated to the second most important person in your life. You can’t expect that your life will run as smoothly as it did before you had children. The good news is that you probably never realized how much you could love another human being. Be realistic about the social situations you are putting your child in. Don’t expect your child to perform for you on demand. Some children become easily overwhelmed and even shy when normally outgoing. Do not force your child to go over and say hello to everyone or to be the social butterfly. It is important to make time for yourself, but you have to find a balance. When planning to go out to a restaurant or any social function take into consideration the time of day, how long the event will last, the amount of time you may have to wait to be seated or served and the amount of people attending. If you do decide to attend, remember that even though you may be having a great time, your little one is on a different schedule. Knowing when to leave is probably the biggest mistake parents make. Leave on a good note, not a tantrum. Give your child a five-minute warning letting them know that you are getting ready to leave. Respect is a two-way street. Be respectful of your child and their personality. You are your child’s number one advocate and respect begins with you.
5. A peaceful home is worth working for. If your child can’t find peace at home then how can you expect to have a peaceful child? Both parents must present a united front and be on the same page. If there is a nanny or other caretaker such as a grandparent or babysitter involved in helping raise your child, make sure that everyone presents a unified front. Consistency is key. Children are so much smarter than we give them credit for. They learn very quickly who is the “weakest link.” You are not doing your child or you family any good if the child is allowed to play off different adults to get what they want. Sit down with all of the decision-makers when your child is not around and decide the “house rules” and the appropriate way to handle situations before they arise. When your child is old enough to understand, go over the rules and the consequences — and then stick to them. Consistency cannot be overstressed. Inconsistency is confusing and unfair to the child. It would be like a referee arbitrarily changing the rules at halftime. Be mindful of never contradicting the other parent in front of the child. If that happens, save any discussion (Yes, try actual “discussion” instead of argument) for when the child is not around. Be adult about where you went wrong and then agree to handle it better the next time. Parental peace and harmony is a prerequisite to family peace and harmony. Be a role model for your child and strive to make your home a peaceful one. There is no gift more valuable than a family who lives together with minimal stress, being respectful of one another.
Maybe you already knew the five principles, but haven’t been applying them. If you didn’t know them before reading this article, you now know some key parenting guideposts that will serve you well. Parenting is the most important job you will ever have. It is certainly one of the most challenging. Just ask your mom and dad. But parenting is also the most rewarding. Enjoy your children. They grow up so fast. Don’t compare yourself to other parents. Parenting against the grain isn’t easy, but it is possible. Don’t beat yourself up. Even on a bad day, your child would say that you are the best mommy and the best daddy they could ever dream of having. What could be better than that?
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